Recently, I haven’t wanted to sit here and write. I haven’t wanted to be on Facebook. I haven’t wanted to go meet with friends.
For most of my life, all I’ve wanted was to be seen or heard. As the youngest child, I was doted upon until adolescence. Then, I was the only child at home and quite lost. You see, other things were happening for my parents and I was a good kid — so not much needed to be done.
Yet, I was so lost. Even now, I think of how lost I was and I tear up.
I just wanted to be heard, to be noticed, to be affirmed.
I’ve spent most of adulthood searching for those same things. Grace brought me a friend blessed with hearing, noticing and affirming skills.
Grace also brought me the gift of writing.
To be honest, I don’t write this damn blog for anyone but myself. It is a way of speaking up, doing my part to be heard.
But its only a half-measure, because I can’t guarantee affirmation from it or even that anyone besides my one precious friend is reading. I don’t want to do the attention-grabbing things and Facebook posting anymore. I’m tired of exerting effort to be heard.
Just writing here, that needs to be enough for me right now. Just being candid and true.
I wish I could afford to hire someone to do all of that heavy-lifting – to submit my work in different places, manage my social media.
But I can’t. So I’m going to be content with just writing the words, having them read and affirmed by the select few.
Maybe, maybe someday, all of the hearing and affirming will seep into this deep cavernous soul of mine.
Maybe then, I won’t be so lost.