Facing Resentment

You know when the person next to you can do nothing right? I mean, they are just driving you nuts with whatever they are doing – chewing loudly, tapping their feet, etc.

Turns out that says more about you than it does about them.

Exhibit A.

Me.

Lately, my husband could do nothing right in my eyes. Poor man. For weeks, I’ve walked around with a chip on my shoulder, resentment and a bit of irritation to go with it.

You see, I was feeling resentful, because he has two college degrees and I do not. I helped put him through college for one of those degrees and so I felt there should be something to show for it (monetarily). I also felt bitter, because I don’t have a degree and that seemed unfair since I helped him get one.

The truth is that all of this resentment wouldn’t work out of my system. I tried processing it, feeling it deeply, trying art to work it out of my system. Yet, it still kept rising up. I was beginning to give up hope when it suddenly dawned on me.

Maybe I don’t resent him so much as I resent myself.

All of the angst, the bitterness, the short fuse – wouldn’t go away because I wasn’t really angry at him. I was angry at myself.

For not succeeding. For failing. For not finishing a million times. For not doing what it takes.

Because as much as the shit is his, it is also mine. We don’t make a lot of money as a couple, because I don’t contribute. And I sort of hate myself for that.

I also know, deep down, that living is more important than trying, succeeding and the rest. For me, a job is probably too stressful to manage on top of my current responsibilities of being an Evan-guru, mom to three others and mentally-ill (but stable) person.

I wonder if now that I know the resentment is towards myself, if I can process it and be less god damn irritable….

Because that would sure be nice.

Candidly,

Ash

 

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