The sky is cloudy today and that is how my heart feels. Clouds of sadness come and go.
Why am I even sad?
I wonder if I am the only one who experiences mysterious sadness. I don’t even know where it comes from until I sit with it for like ten hours. Perhaps that is how badly I had boxed in my sadness. I used packing tape on all sides of that box.
I wonder if there will ever come a time when all of my past sadness stops bubbling to the surface.
As I sit with this sadness today, I know it is about being enough. I have seen other children grow so that their autism doesn’t affect things as dramatically as Evan. I have stood next to moms and hashed out the problems. I have done the things they have done.
But he isn’t cured. He isn’t healed.
And I can’t help wondering if it was me.
Maybe I didn’t push hard enough, try enough.
Maybe it’s me.
Maybe I don’t have to buy into those thoughts.
But what would that even look like?
I cannot say.