I scratched my eye.
It hurts and waters and, in general, makes life miserable. Who would have thought that something so small could make such big waves in my life?
This reminds me that even our smallest hurts, pains and fears must be recognized and felt. Like the splinter that is never removed, they can become infected and an even larger pain.
I think this is part of what happened with me. I never attended to the small hurts and pains in life. I think of the disappointment I’ve often felt in myself, how I didn’t want to feel it. Instead I became angry with myself as a way to mask the pain, but this only made the pain greater.
My therapist once described it as hurting myself, then taking out a hammer and hitting myself again.
Pain on top of pain.
I think disappointment with myself has been the most difficult small pain in my life. The hardest thing to sit with and feel.
I’m still learning, but I need these reminders. Reminders not to belittle myself, to feel the pain and let it guide me.
Because pain can be a guide.
Pointing us toward change, showing us our sensitivities, teaching us what works and doesn’t work.
Yes, the scratch may hurt, but I’ve learned not to wear my contacts for months on end. I’ve learned to give my eye a break so it can be healthy.
Maybe I can feel the scratches to my heart, but learn to take care of myself in a greater way.