One of the mantras on my guided wellness meditation says, “I see in my mind’s eye a picture of myself that is vital, healthy and strong.”
When I hear this line, I can see her, but damn she’s easy to lose track of.
My health has been an ongoing struggle this year. I am literally still working on my New Year’s Resolution. It’s September. I should have met the goal or given up by now.
Perhaps I should be proud that I’m still trying to lose weight.
Mostly I just feel angry.
I’ve tried a lot of new things this year – exercise, food, approaches to food, mindsets. I should be a damn Jillian Michaels by now.
I am by no means Jillian Michaels.
In fact, during my last three months of trying to lose weight – I gained 25 pounds. How is this possible? Well, I started a new medicine that has a side effect of weight gain. It has definitely played a role in the weight gain. My doctor even said he was impressed it wasn’t worse given how quickly we increased the dose.
But damn it.
I know I could have done better.
And I’m angry at myself. The picture I hold in my mind’s eye is heavy, pissed and unhealthy. Maybe meditation is over-rated.
The truth though, and I think this is what the writer’s of the meditation had in mind, is that we can view ourselves in a way that will lead us towards a better future. The girl – the healthy, vital and strong girl – does exist inside of me. She spent over 80 hours on her rowing machine. She ate her servings of vegetables 5 out of 7 days for months. She quit Mountain Dew (that’s huge for me)!
I can focus on her or I can focus on lazy-ass heavy girl. Well, that’s not a hard decision.